|Dear Citizens of America: In light of your failure to financially manage yourselves and also, in recent years, your tendency to elect Presidents and Senators who demonstrate an ineptitude to govern you, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence. Effective July 4th, 2012, Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all American states, commonwealths, and territories. Words: 1477
So says Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II in an edict to the citizens of the United States of America on the subject of a change in U.S.A. governorship and personal conduct. Lorimer Wilson, as editor of www.munKNEE.com, is proud to bring this relatively unknown email to your attention at this particularly important point in time.
Her Majesty goes on to say:
Your new “president” will be The Honourable Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, David Cameron, who will be instructed to appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules will be introduced:
- Spelling: The letter ‘u’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘honour’, ’colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour’ and the letters ‘er’ will be reversed in words such as ‘centre’ and ‘theatre’ to mention only a few. The word ‘jewellery’ will be reinstated in place of the mis-spelled ’jewelry’ as will the word ‘programme’ for ‘program’, ‘doughnut’ for ‘donut’, ‘draught’ for ‘draft’, ‘catalogue’ for ‘catalog’, ’aluminum’ for ‘aluminium’, ‘cheque’ for ‘check’, ‘grey’ for ‘gray’, ’pyjamas’ for ‘pajamas’, ‘sulphur’ for ‘sulfer’, ‘tyre’ for ‘tire’, ‘plough’ for ‘plow’ to name just a few. Likewise, the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ A complete list of the 387 words which will, henceforth, be spelled differently to properly reflect the “Queen’s English” can be found here and here. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u”, the elimination of ‘-ize’ and the reversal of ‘er’ in some but not all situations.
- Word Pronunciation: The last letter in the alphabet will be pronounced ‘zed’ not ‘zee’ in the future. In addition, the word ‘buoy’ is to be pronounced ’boy’ not ‘boo-ee’ and ‘lieutenant’ is correctly pronounced ‘left tenant’ not ‘loo tenant’. See here for a list of words whose pronunciation must change.
- Word Meanings: Over time you Americans will learn to speak the English language as such, that is, English, and not the American version which must be changed to avoid confusion, embarrasment and more. For example, the word “john” is a man’s name and a “punter” is a prostitute’s client. Men named “John” resent the inference and it must stop. Since American football is being banned (see below) there should nolonger be any confusion in applying the correct meaning of the word.
- Grammar: In spite of what you read in the newspaper or what your favourite (NOT favorite) on-line commentator/article writer writes, sentences do not begin with the words ‘and’, ‘but’, ‘yet’, ‘so’ and, most often, ‘because’. Paragraphs do not begin with the words ‘this’ or ‘that’ and in almost all cases paragraphs should be more than one sentence long. Words/expressions such as ‘therefore’, ‘however’, ’as such’, ‘moreover’, ‘in as much as’, ‘be that as it may’, etc. will be applied in all future written correspondence.
- National Holidays: July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. ‘American’ Thanksgiving on November 22nd will be allowed to continue as opposed to the ‘Canadian’ Thanksgiving on October 8th due to your warmer weather BUT Black Friday will be abolished and replaced by Boxing Day (the day after Christmas). Christmas Day will remain on the same date as will New Year’s Day. Memorial Day (May 28th) will be postponed until November 11th and renamed Remembrance Day in keeping with that of the other countries in the Commonwealth.
- Conflict Resolution: You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse not for sorting out a gripe. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
- Use of Firearms: Rifles will only be permitted to shoot deer, pheasants, grouse, ducks and wild turkeys. Guns will be forbidden – even by the police. Automatic weapons will be limited to military use only.
- Road Traffic: All major intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side of the road.
- Measurements: You will go metric and without the benefit of conversion tables as was the case in Canada to apparent disastrous effect. Pounds will be replaced by kilograms, miles by kilometres, inches and feet by centimetres, yards by metres, gallons by litres, fahrenheit by centigrade, etc.
- Food: You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat and dressed, not with catsup (ketchup) but with malt vinegar.
- Beer: The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
- Manners: The words ‘please’, ‘thank you’ and ‘you’re welcome’ will be introduced into your vocabulary. Whenever you ask for something you now will have to say ‘please’ first – every time – or you will not get it. You must say ‘thank you’ – the words ‘no problem’ or the sound ‘uhhuh’ are not acceptable – upon receiving the item or service or it must be returned/rescinded. Conversely, if you are on the receiving end of such a transaction you must show appreciation and say the words ‘you’re welcome’ not the guttural sound ‘uhhuh’, ‘whatever’ or variations thereof. There is no such word as ‘uhhuh’ and both ‘uhhuh’ and ‘whatever’ are seen by the literate as a sign of mental laziness, indifference and rudeness and, as such, will not be tolerated.
- Dress Code: Hats (baseball or otherwise) are not to be worn indoors, socks are to worn with shoes, tarty attire is to be restricted to only those who get paid for sex and ties are not to be worn with buttoned-down collars.
- Entertainment: Hollywood will be required, occasionally, to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
- Sports: You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and the other is rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nannies).
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played seriously outside of America. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (world dominators). Finally, you will learn curling and enter bonspiels in Canada (world dominators) where the sport is widely played.
- Taxation: The deductibility of mortgage interest from your annual income will be eliminated and taxes on liquor, beer, wine, cigarettes and petrol (which you formerly referred to as ‘gasoline’) will be DOUBLED. Get used to the equivalent of $10/gallon! An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
- Currency: The $1 bill will be eliminated and the graphics on all remaining denominations will be changed to include a picture of Her Majesty (when she was in her thirties). Mexican authorities have shown interest in forming a monetary union with Canada and the United States of America and, as such, we are determining the feasibility of introducing a North American currency. We think the idea has considerable merit given the strength of the Canadian dollar and the Mexican peso vis-a-vis – i.e., as compared, to the U.S. dollar in light of the rapid devaluation of the American currency. Serious consideration is being given to calling the new currency either the CAMEX (CA for Canada, AME for America and MEX for Mexico), the MEUSCA or the more generic NAC (North American Currency). Our decision will be announced by the end of the year.
- Tea Time: Begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
P.S.: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)! (Oh yes, ’P.S.’ means ‘post scriptum’ which means ‘after what’s written’. In case you were confused, it does not mean ’Public School’. Other designations, such as ‘N.B.’, ‘e.g.’ and ‘i.e.’, will slowly be introduced into your everyday wtitten word.
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(-:Ok ok, you got us: there is no way this is actually going to happen! Happy April Fool’s Day from munKNEE.com:-)